a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
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Each second of this is more amazing than the last
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind