@DaHess1: A bunch of religious accounts are following me so I can only assume I'm the subject of a monthly sermon series.
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@nonchalantnacho: Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
@KeetPotato: me: "£4,000 for a beehive?" salesman: "sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that's only 50p each" me: [checking my wallet] "give me 3 bees"
@GuyEndoreKaiser: Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy's gonna have a gold medal, and all you'll have is your joke about curling.
@topaz_kell: [getting murdered] Me: "Could you please stop for a second?" *gives murderer a Snickers