@DaHess1: A bunch of religious accounts are following me so I can only assume I'm the subject of a monthly sermon series.
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@IntoxicaTweeted: I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
@albywizzy: Spoiler Alert: Ladies ,if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear it has a Camera in it.
@NuclearBavarian: A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
@omgthatspunny: The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.