My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
We’ve come full circle
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My teenage children choosing violence
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Spell check is for lasers.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Lmao
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”