a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
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My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Love this guy
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context