A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
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When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
(Electricians.)
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE