A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
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How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?