our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
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if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
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[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.