A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
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The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized