A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
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My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
your honor my client chooses dare
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Goat cheese is for herders.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.