A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
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Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care