A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
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I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”