My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
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nature’s most graceful animal
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Best spot.. 😅
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???