Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.