A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes