“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
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Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Shoo shoo! 😂
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot