@LeonEarlgrey: "A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn't."
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@Fred_Delicious: When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi... [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
@sammyrhodes: Here’s the thing about the paleo diet. If cavemen could have eaten donuts they would have.
@misfarber: The baby's trying to eat the poinsettia again Well, maybe we should get rid of it The plant? But we just got it . . .Haha yeah, the plant
@JustASmirk: My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.