“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
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“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….