A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”