A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
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Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
dogs can find happiness so easily
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.