Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
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sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
how to market bottled water to dads
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”