a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
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In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Now, where’s the sport in that?