Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
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CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas