A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
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I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
This dude got his own movie?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.