A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
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saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!