A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
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[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?