@NuclearBavarian: A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
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@rockymomax: [moon landing] ME: the beagle has landed HOUSTON: you mean eagle? ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
@trentistweeting: ok boss, i duck taped the hostage's mouth shut "you mean duct taped, right?" um... *cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*
@Procaffinator: Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
@kcmoore51: Oh you're in the shower? Here's the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode