@NuclearBavarian: A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
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@HomeProbably: I've received so many Christmas cards from people I don't know this year, probably because they weren't addressed to me.
@Lemonidas42: Man: "I think I saw a UFO last night" UFO with fake moustache: "Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something"
@JennyJohnsonHi5: The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don't want anymore children living on our street.
@causticbob: I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.