A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
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2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.