[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
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Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach