A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
You Might Also Like
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.