I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
You Might Also Like
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules