A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
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[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
What personal space?
My dog
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
My dog learned how to text
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN