A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
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Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please