A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
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I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling