A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
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I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
can’t believe I got front row seats
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?