A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
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I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”