A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
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Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
it’s either covid or clever vampires
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’