A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
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Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’