A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
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Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
look at me when i’m typing to you
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Eat…
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.