A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
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Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
can’t catch a break
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.