A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
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me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath