Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
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Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Mornin
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner