A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
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Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
pizza
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Oh my god
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
motivation
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.