A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
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The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?