A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Only a mother’s love …
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”