A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
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“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂