A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
You Might Also Like
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces