Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
You Might Also Like
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Beware…..
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
shit just got real
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.