If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
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Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
groan^2
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.