At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
You Might Also Like
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
i- i did not expect this
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.