A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
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Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.