A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
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My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger