A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
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A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.